The Quiet Cost of Diminishing Your Wins

Four years.

That’s how long I’ve been running this business. Four years of coaching high-powered professionals. Four years of building something from scratch. Four years of staying up late and getting up early, of dodging burnout while helping others find clarity. And you know what I almost did?

Skipped the celebration.

It didn’t seem like “a big deal.” There were other things on my to-do list. I told myself, “You’ll mark the moment when things slow down.”

Sound familiar?

In leadership—especially in high-achieving circles—we’re taught to blow past the finish line like it’s just another checkpoint. No time to pause. No time to savor. Always on to the next thing. Even when we’ve moved mountains, we downplay it. Deflect the compliment. Shrink in moments that should be expansive.

And if we’re not careful, that habit becomes a way of life. A quiet, persistent erosion of our confidence, visibility, and joy.

Great Leaders Don’t Need the Spotlight

Somewhere along the way, many of us internalized the belief that celebrating ourselves is arrogant. That taking a moment to say, “Damn, I did that,” is self-indulgent. That we should stay humble, stay small, stay focused.

But research tells a different story.

In one study, people who actively savored their successes—by journaling, reflecting, or simply pausing to appreciate them—reported higher levels of well-being, confidence, and emotional resilience than those who didn’t. Even more interesting? The habit of dampening those same emotions—minimizing, suppressing, or discounting joy in real time or retrospect—was linked to lower overall happiness and self-esteem (Quoidbach et al., 2010).

Translation?
Your ability to celebrate the good isn’t fluff.
It’s strategy. It’s stamina. It’s leadership.
It’s science. And it matters.

Savoring vs. Dampening

Savoring is becoming aware of the experience of pleasure and appreciating the positive emotions derived from that experience. To savor an experience, one must possess and apply a certain degree of mindfulness and meta-awareness (Bryant & Veroff, 2007).

Dampening, on the other hand, refers to the deliberate or automatic dimming of positive emotion—minimizing, suppressing, or brushing off joy with thoughts like “don’t get too excited,” “it wasn’t that impressive,” or “you probably just got lucky” (Miyamoto & Ma, 2011; Wood et al., 2003).

Why We Skip the Savoring: The Emotional Aftermath

Let’s name it: there’s often grief in the gap between what we accomplished and what we thought we’d feel. That promotion didn’t come. The recognition was late—or didn’t show up at all. Or maybe it did, and you still felt… nothing.

You move so fast, your body can’t catch up. When the moment passes, joy doesn’t follow. Just numbness. Guilt. That old whisper: maybe I’m still not enough.

So you move the goalpost. Push harder. Dismiss your own brilliance as “just doing the job” or believing “anyone can do this, I’m not special.”

But here’s what really happens when we make those beliefs a pattern:

• We start to believe we haven’t done anything worth celebrating.
• We take ourselves for granted—and so do others.
• We burn out, not from working too hard, but from never feeling full.

When you skip your own celebration, you starve your leadership of its power source.

A 2003 study (Wood et al., 2003) showed that high self-esteem individuals are more likely to savor positive experiences, whereas low self-esteem individuals tend to dampen them. Similarly, people with lower incomes exhibit a stronger tendency to savor than their wealthier counterparts (Quoidbach et al., in press).

The Leadership Cost of Playing It Small

When leaders constantly bypass the pause, it’s not just self-sabotage—it’s self-betrayal. It sends a message—to your team, your peers, and yourself—that nothing is ever “enough.”

And that breeds disconnection. It increases perfectionist tendencies. It triggers procrastination fueled by overwhelm. The gap between you, joy, impact, and your own sense of self-worth gets wider and wider.

It makes you hesitant to step into new rooms or raise your hand for big opportunities because deep down, you’ve taught yourself not to trust your own accomplishments.

And worse? It normalizes invisibility.

It reinforces the cultural and systemic pressure so many of us already feel:

• Don’t brag.
• Don’t take up space.
• Don’t draw attention.

Especially for leaders who’ve been told they have to prove their value twice over.

But savoring isn’t ego. It’s evidence. And you need that evidence to lead with clarity, courage, and conviction.

The Research is Clear: Celebration Builds Capacity

Writing or talking about personal triumphs—even briefly—boosted motivation and long-term positive emotion (Lyubomirsky et al., 2006).

In 2022, Whitney Johnson reinforced this in Harvard Business Review: Celebrating small wins builds momentum. It keeps people engaged. It creates a culture of resilience and visibility—not just performance.

In a world obsessed with outcomes, visibility matters.

So let me say this clearly, loudly, and strongly:
You don’t need a massive win to take an “I am the SH!T” break.
You don’t need permission to mark your own excellence.
You are the proof.
You are the moment.
And your leadership deserves to feel like it matters.

Three Benefits of Savoring the Moment

1. It expands your emotional range.
   You can’t selectively numb emotion. If you shut down joy, you lose access to creativity, vision, and empathy—the very things that make you an exceptional leader. Feel the full spectrum, or lead with only half your power.
2. It increases your staying power.
   Celebration is fuel. It reminds your nervous system you’re safe, capable, and progressing. Without it, you chase wins like a hamster on a wheel. You’re not a machine—you’re a whole human.
3. It builds internal equity.
   When you celebrate yourself, you start believing yourself. That inner trust bleeds into decision-making, self-advocacy, and how boldly you show up in the rooms you’re meant to lead. How you treat your own wins becomes the blueprint for how others treat them too.

This is the kind of leadership work I brew and spill tea on in The Monthly BREW™—because visibility, joy, and self-celebration are strategic, not soft.

What Are You Dismissing That Deserves Praise?

Think back on the past six months.
What did you pull off that felt impossible?
What conversations did you finally have?
What habits did you shift?
What did you make easier—for others, and for yourself?

And what did you not celebrate?
What win went unmarked because you didn’t think it “counted”?
Because no one else clapped?

Leadership is lonely when you’re waiting on applause.
But your celebration doesn’t need an audience—it just needs intention.

🍵 Small Sips: A Gratitude Practice for This Season

• 🌿 Gratitude Practice:
  Write down three things you’re proud of from the past 30 days. Keep them visible—on your desk, phone lock screen, or bathroom mirror. Speak them aloud once a day. Personally, I look in the mirror and say to myself, “Remember who the F!ck you are!” to remind myself that I am THAT girl.
• 🌿 Reflection Prompt:
  “Where in my leadership am I still waiting for permission to be proud?”
• 🌿 Embodied Ritual:
  Brew a cup of tea and do nothing while you drink it. No multitasking. No watching a movie or scrolling on social media. Just sit, sip, and let the moment be enough. Savor yourself.

You don’t need to “earn” your rest.
You don’t need to “deserve” your joy.
You just need to notice it.
And name it. And claim it proudly.

What’s Steeping for July

Four years ago, I bet on myself. Built something from scratch—with nothing but a vision, grit, and a belief that leadership could be done differently.

That kind of success? It’s not loud.
It doesn’t parade itself around.
It simmers.

So this July, I’m celebrating that slow brew of progress—I, Matter! Coaching & Consulting’s 4-year anniversary—with something special just for this community.

If you’ve been circling the idea of coaching, craving a space to think boldly and move intentionally, I have something steeping just for you.

Stay close—the first pour goes to those subscribed to The Monthly BREW™ newsletter.
🍵 Grab a cup here: https://i-matter-coaching-consulting.kit.com/newsletter